So You're Thinking About Having a Threesome

Threesomes are more than just a porn category, and you may have found yourself here because you’re interested in exploring one yourself. They can be a great tool for exploration and experimentation whether you’re in a relationship or not. Threesomes may seem intimidating, but it’s just like partnered sex, but with an extra man. There are a lot of reasons why people are interested in having threesomes. It could be to explore your sexuality or kinks, fulfill a fantasy, participate in the swinging community, opening-up your relationship, and more. But just as the reasons are varied, the experiences around them can be too. To set everyone involved up for success, we have some guidance on how to prep before diving in.

Threesomes 101

Threesomes are self-explanatory and uniform in the sense that it’s three people having sex. The uniformity often ends at the definition. Because there are three individual people with three sets of desires, turn-on’s, boundaries, feelings and motivations, so there isn’t a one-size-fits-all threesome experience. We might think of threesomes as female-male-female, but anyone of any gender and sexuality can participate in a threesome. Similarly, it doesn’t always need to be a couple plus a single person. Threesomes can happen amongst friends, strangers and throuples in addition to a couple seeking a third. 

The activities can also vary just as drastically within threesomes. It may include everyone having sex equally, but it may also include one person watching more than engaging, simultaneous mutual masturbation, or someone stepping into a “coaching” role to instruct what the others should do. It’s important to know what you’re looking for within a threesome in regards to both who you’re wanting to have sex with and the dynamics. Stay with us, and we’ll touch on that in a bit.

Finding Your Three

Whether you’re in a relationship and wanting to find a third, you’re a third looking for a couple, or you just want to find some other like-minded people, threesomes don’t always feel like the most natural conversation topic to bring up. But there are places where people go to look for threesomes and ways to bring it up IRL.

Dating Apps

This can feel like the easiest way to explore options in a low-risk way. If you’re in a relationship, you can create a joint profile that has information and photos of the both of you. If you’re looking for a threesome as an individual, be explicit about that on your profile. This prevents any misunderstanding around intentions. Although you can use any dating app, the best ones for threesomes are typically made for or include filters for open relationships and kinks. Feeld, OkCupid, Grindr and PolyFinda are great options to check out. Something to keep in mind is that apps are generally open to the public. While this makes it easy to test the waters, anyone can see your profile. If you don’t feel comfortable with people you know coming across your profile, this might not be the best method for you. 

With dating apps, there’s always an element of stranger danger, no matter who you are. If you found a person or people you connect with, try hanging out in person first to break the ice and suss out the situation. Make sure to keep a Champ condom in your pocket just in case you really hit it off.

Swinging & Sex Parties

Most major cities have swingers clubs and sex parties hosted by groups focused on those communities. These are the perfect spaces to find people who already have a common interest and are looking for the same things. Depending on the event, it may have a focus on exhibition or voyeurism, which means the environment won’t be private to your threesome. Other people may be able to watch or they may ask to participate. If you find one in your area, don’t be shy in asking lots of questions to the organizer or doing your research ahead of time. Green flags to look for in events are required applications, STI testing requirements, reviews from participants and information around consent. 

If you’re wanting something a bit more private, these groups will sometimes host social gatherings where people can meet in a non-sexual setting. You can meet people looking for the same thing without the pressure to have sex with them that night or in front of others. Ask for someone’s number and see if they would be interested in meeting up outside of the organized events.  

In the Wild

Just as hitting on someone in the wild can be intimidating, so can bringing up the idea of a threesome. This option requires a lot of attention and awareness around social cues. For example, a recurring experience is when someone finds out a girl they just met is bisexual or is a lesbian and the first response back is asking them to have a threesome. Not the best move, not all women are interested in having a threesome. When you’re interacting with people outside this context, it’s important to get to know them first, just as you would with anyone else you wanted to hit on. Offer to buy them a drink, don’t hide the fact that you’re in a relationship if you are, and talk about non-threesome things. If you’re with your partner, make sure to include all three of you in the conversation. Integrate some flirting as the night goes on. Once you feel like it wouldn’t be out of left field to bring it up, consider bringing up the topic.  

Spring Training

While there isn’t actual training to do for a threesome, there’s some prep work you should consider prior to the game. Whether you’re in a relationship or not, spend some time thinking about why you want to have a threesome. There are no wrong answers, but it’s helpful to identify why so you can narrow down what you’re looking for. If you’re looking to explore your sexuality, that goes into consideration with the makeup of gender identities within the trio. If you’re wanting to try a bit of voyeurism, make sure the other two are OK with that or consider going to a sex party. One of the motivations we recommend contemplating further is if a threesome is being used to repair an existing relationship. Opening up your relationship in any capacity, including threesomes, should ideally come from a healthy foundation. Adding another person into the mix will only highlight cracks rather than fix them. Additionally, make sure you’re really on board. “My partner wants a threesome” may not be the best reasoning. Nerves are normal, but unless everyone is a “hell yes,” it should be benched for the time being.

When considering your own motivations, it’s also important to identify your boundaries. Just like coupled sex, there are things that are considered on and off the table for everyone involved. This can extend beyond the bedroom. Do you want to get to know the person or people ahead of time? Is this a one-time thing or are you open to seeing them again? If you’re in a relationship, identify these boundaries with your partner too. There may be a certain sex toy or position that you want to keep between you two and not bring into a threesome. Do you have a safe word that you can use if one of you isn’t feeling comfortable with how things are going? Threesomes may bring up feelings of jealousy, excitement, sadness, frustration, love and everything in between, and it’s not always possible to know ahead of time. Just keep in mind that all of these feelings are normal, but communication is key before, during and after.

Finally, safety conversations are always a must. Talk with everyone involved about recent STI tests and preferences for protection. Barrier methods are the only way to prevent both pregnancy and STIs, so we recommend utilizing condoms no matter what.

Game Day

So, you’ve found two other people, a time and place has been set, and you’ve made it to game day. At the end of the day, threesomes are still just sex. All the same rules apply. And just like coupled sex, threesomes can be life changing, not so great and everything in between. There’s no secret sauce that makes threesomes better than other kinds of sex. If anything, they require more focus because there are two other people you must pay attention to, not just one. During the threesome itself, consider how attention is being divided. It can feel a bit like trying to pat your head and rub your stomach, but it can be helpful to keep in contact with each person. This can be a hand on someone’s leg while you kiss someone else or doing oral on one person while the other does it to you. 

There are a lot of options when it comes to the mechanics of a threesome. Depending on which toys or genitals are involved, the combinations are endless. When starting out, a quick huddle can get things going and help everyone get comfortable with each other. Threesomes have a lot of possibilities because you can have everyone focusing on someone else, two people on one, two on two while the other watches, and so on. Do what feels best for your dynamic. If you’re looking for inspiration, here’s a few of our favorite threesome positions that can be adjusted for any threesome:

The Pleasure Train

This is one of the easiest positions to get into and is great for when you’re not ready for penetrative sex. The middle person will have the most going on and can be in a doggy style position or lying on their stomach. The back person will assume a similar position and performs oral sex on the middle person, while the middle person performs oral sex on the front person who is lying on their back.

70 (aka 69+1)

Two people will get into the traditional 69 position, one person on bottom and another person on top, each pointed in opposite directions. This will allow both people to give and receive oral sex at the same time. The third person can then either perform penetrative or oral sex on the person that’s on top.

Eiffel Tower

This is one of the most well-known sex positions when it comes to threesomes. It works best in a dynamic when the threesome includes two men. Like a train, there’s a front, middle and back. It’s often most comfortable when everyone is on their knees, but this can vary by body type. The front and back people will be facing each other on their knees while the middle person is on both their hands and knees. From there, the middle person will simultaneously receive penetration from the back person while giving oral sex to the person in front.

Reverse Eiffel Tower

The Reverse Eiffel Tower is similar. For this position, it would be helpful if the middle person has a penis or is using a strap-on. The middle person will lay on their back while giving oral sex from below to the “front” person. The “back” person will straddle them in a cowgirl position. Because there are two people on top in this position, it will be easier for the middle person to remain stationary while the people on top provide the movement.