The Myth of Spontaneous Sex

Did you know that wanting sex to be spontaneous may be why your sex life isn’t where you want it to be? One thing we hear ALL THE TIME from couples who have been together for a bit, is they wish that sex could be spontaneous. You remember that rip-each-others-clothes-off-as-soon-as-we-shut-the-door feeling? How it used to be...

But what if we told you that wanting sex to always be spontaneous is contributing to you not experiencing the quality, and frequency, of sex that you are looking for. Let’s discuss why.

The first problem with expecting sex to be spontaneous, is that it feeds into the misconception that everyone (you and your partner) knows what you want, how you want it and when you want it, without ever talking about it. Have you ever heard that communicating LESS is good for your relationship? No? Neither have we. But, when asked about how sex usually happens in relationships, usually the couple will say something like, "I don't know...it just happens." 

The next problem, even in the 2020's, many still view sex as something we can't talk about, or maybe you want to, but struggle to know where to start. So, rather than feeling uncomfortable, even in long term relationships, it feels easier to “sneak” into it and call it "spontaneous."

The third problem is that insisting on sex always being “spontaneous” actually leads to less sex than you may really want. Spontaneous invitations are often rebuffed because you don’t have enough time, you are stressed, you actually are tired, and there are too many things on your mind. Not to mention the fact that sex isn't as nearly as good as it can be when we are willing to plan for it. 

Here’s the interesting thing, sex was never actually spontaneous. It was, and is always, anticipated or planned to a certain degree (note we say anticipated, not guaranteed).

Let’s think back to the early days of your relationship, when you first started dating. You made plans on a Wednesday to get together for dinner on Friday. That gave you 48'ish hours to prepare for the possibility of having sex.

We all made sure to have a condom (or 5) ready (the best way to make sure you never run out is to subscribe to Champ condoms), plenty of your favorite cologne and also prepared your body (bathing, shaving, trimming, etc). Maybe you packed a few things like a change of clothes or a toothbrush in your bag just in case you spend the night at her place. And we guarantee, she prepped too, probably more than you.

Now the thing is, when you are in the early stages of a new relationship, the act of preparing and planning was fun. This is positive anticipation—and maybe the planning and preparing even helped increase your desire and/or arousal.

But as we know, that stage of a new relationship never lasts. Now you are elbow deep in work, school and maybe even family life. Maybe you are trying to manage your mental and physical health. What happens is that sex is just not as high on your priority list as it used to be. And yeah, sex no longer “just happens.” So now sex, if it is going to happen at all, needs to be explicitly planned and prepared for. Planning for sex? That doesn’t sound sexy, but hear us out…

Imagine you have some friends coming over for dinner. In the first scenario, your friends just show up unexpectedly. You are a decent cook so you rummage in your fridge and throw something together. Maybe you had stuff available and came up with something decent. Maybe you ended up serving some leftover nachos. If these are old friends, then maybe it didn’t matter too much that all you had were 2-day old nachos.

But let’s say it was someone important, let’s say it’s the CEO of your company. How would you feel about serving leftover chips to the CEO? What would the CEO think about you? And isn’t the person you are in a relationship as important to you as the CEO of your company? 

So, in our second scenario, you invited your friends or the CEO over for dinner. You plan ahead, you set a time, you create a menu and you shop for groceries. You take the time to make an amazing meal. You set the atmosphere, make some drinks, put on some music and use your “adult” plates. Everyone has a blast, conversation flows and everyone leaves feeling satisfied and connected. Which was a better experience? 

Is scenario one bad? I guess it depends on how stale the nachos were. It might have been ok, it might have been good enough. But scenario two was great, it was memorable. People want to come over again. 

Why would we think sex is any different? Which scenario do you want in your sex life? Which one inspires a return visit? Which one makes your partner feel important?

Letting go of the mistaken belief that sex should be spontaneous is important work in adult sexual development. Once you let that go, you can embrace the next stage, which is planning (even scheduling) sex -

Planning For Sex Does A Few Things:

1. It makes you talk about it. Intimacy is the huge elephant in the room for many couples. Once you can actually have a conversation about it, fears, insecurities and resentments can melt away.
2. You can recapture the anticipation of planning for an exciting evening. This builds desire, builds arousal and reduces the feeling of pressure to have sex other times, especially when you know when it’s coming next.
3. Like we said before, spontaneous invitations get rebuffed all the time (you’re actually tired, haven't showered or feel stressed). But if you have time to plan for it, then you can get in the right mindset.

So, go ahead and pencil “Sexy time” onto your calendar.