What Does It Mean To Have “Good” Sex?

Society would have us believe that sex should look the way it does in the media and porn. However, this version of sex is choreographed, shot, and edited for the masses; it cannot replicate the passion, spontaneity, and intimacy of good sex in the real world. Even so, it’s hard not to judge yourself against the performances you see in movies, porn, and on TV. But worry not. We’re here to break down what “good” sex means and hopefully inspire you to step into your sex life with more confidence. 

It's Not One-Size-Fits-All

Just like there’s no such thing as 100% “safe” sex, what constitutes “good” sex IS NOT universal. Your sexual expectations for good sex are influenced by countless life factors like physical ability, past experiences, age, preferences, and culture. That’s why no two people will have the exact same idea of what good sex is. However, there are some elements to consider if you want to discover what your version of good sex (or better yet, amazing sex) actually is. Let’s break it down. 

Intimacy

At the heart of good sex is intimacy. Now, this doesn’t mean that you can only have good sex with someone you know or love deeply. You can prioritize intimacy even if you’re having sex with someone you just met. That’s because sex is an intimate exchange; you’re sharing a personal part of your physical, mental, and emotional self with another person. So whether you’re having sex with a long-term partner or a total stranger, being truly present and intentional about sex is what can make the experience intimate (and therefore, amazing). In other words, being fully present for your own pleasure and that of your partner helps ensure everyone is having a good time and fosters an environment of comfort.  

Mutual Respect

Respect is a cornerstone of any healthy relationship, and it plays an especially crucial role in having the best sex possible. During sex, both partners are actively choosing to be vulnerable with each other. So, creating an environment where both people feel respected is a must for good sex. This means acknowledging each other’s boundaries, preferences, and comfort levels. If this solid foundation of respect is built, then every couple is better equipped to explore their sexualities with confidence.

Respect also involves recognizing things like differences in physical ability and emotional health when it comes to sex. What works for one person may not work for another, and good sex takes these differences into account. Adopting this mindset can also lead to the discovery of new preferences or fantasies that can grow a sexual relationship. Since sex isn’t a stagnant thing, having truly good sex requires both partners to feel respected enough that they can express their evolving sexuality over time. 

Open Communication

You simply can’t build the ultimate sex life without solid communication. This doesn’t mean you need to sit down and have a formal chat with each and every partner. More so, open communication means having the ability to read and discuss likes, dislikes, and boundaries in a natural way that doesn’t disrupt the passion of sex. While it is important to use verbal cues, non-verbal communication like body language, touch, and eye contact, can also convey tons of information about a person’s level of comfort and arousal. That’s why being attentive to these cues can enhance the sexual experience by ensuring that both partners are on the same page and fully engaged in the moment.

Physical Pleasure

Of course, good sex means having a good time and experiencing pleasure. Understanding each other’s bodies, preferences, and rhythms can make or break a sexual experience. To make pleasure a priority in your relationships, it’s incredibly important to maintain a sense of curiosity and exploration. Sexuality is complex, so the more you explore and experiment with different positions, fantasies, and scenarios, the more pleasurable possibilities you’ll unlock. Rather than following the rigid examples of good sex established by the media, prioritize the wants and needs of you and your partner. This way, your sex life will uniquely reflect you and lead to even more pleasure.  

Consent

Consent is non-negotiable in any sexual relationship. It must be informed, voluntary, and revocable at any time for both partners. Without full and enthusiastic consent, good sex is impossible. While each couple will have communication methods unique to them, giving and receiving consent can take the form of regularly checking in with your partner, showing respect for their boundaries, and being willing to stop or change course if they feel uncomfortable. When consent is prioritized, a foundation of trust is formed which is necessary for a truly satisfying and fulfilling sex life. 

Addressing Challenges

Even if you follow all of this advice to a T, relationships and sex can be messy. Every couple will experience good times and bad times, which will likely impact sex. But these challenges aren’t exclusive to relationship issues, couples may face things like physical health issues, emotional barriers, past trauma, or differences in sexual desire. For example, a partner who has recently given birth may experience changes in libido, while another partner who suffers from depression and anxiety may have different wants and needs for sex. Addressing these challenges requires patience, understanding, and even professional support.

The good news is that there’s a wealth of relationship-focused sexual health guidance out there. Sex therapists and relationship counselors can help people navigate complex issues and improve their communication. There are also plenty of online communities, books, and workshops dedicated to helping you and your partner prioritize communication and intimacy. People change over time, which is why maintaining flexibility is crucial for having good sex in a long-term relationship.

Ultimately, the definition of "good" sex is deeply personal and unique to each individual and relationship. Good sex is a dynamic and ever-evolving thing that requires intentional effort to master. However, elements like intimacy, mutual respect, communication, pleasure, flexibility, and unwavering consent are found in any stellar sex life. By prioritizing these factors, couples can create a fulfilling and satisfying sexual relationship that helps them have not just good sex, but amazing sex.