How to Make Your Partner Orgasm

We like to believe that most people want to make their partner orgasm during sex. Nothing feels better than knowing that your skills made your partner feel that good (except maybe having an orgasm yourself). But orgasms can be elusive. There are a ton of factors that can make orgasms easier or harder to achieve, and not all of them are physical. So whether you’ve found yourself here because you’re looking for advice, want to try something new, or just want some new tools in your toolkit for the future, we’re here to debunk the orgasm. 

Don’t Skip Anatomy Class

Hopefully, we haven’t lost your attention by the title of this section, but anatomy is so much more important than we give it credit for. How can we expect to please your partner if we don’t know what’s going on down there. Especially if you and your partner have different parts, you should be as familiar with how their body works as you are with your own. 

Luckily, we’ve created the ultimate guide for getting to know anatomy (and it doesn’t require going back to class). Before you go any further here — pause, check out our guide to Anatomy 101, and meet us back here. Don’t worry, there won’t be a pop quiz at the end.

Communication is Key

You may have heard time and time again to “communicate” in the bedroom, but what does that mean? Even if you know your partner’s body like the back of your hand, they will still know it best. So when you’re trying to make them orgasm, it’s important to get their opinion on a few things. 

Ask them how they like to be touched. Odds are, they have the most experience in making themselves orgasm. They have the playbook and know what plays will get them into the end zone. Don’t be afraid of visual or experiential learning - it can be just as much fun watching. Even if you have an idea of what areas will feel good for them, every body is different. Let them guide your hand so that you get to just the right spot.

Experience can be really helpful in learning how people experience pleasure, but like we just said, every body is wildly different. Don’t assume what worked for a previous partner will work with your current partner and don’t get discouraged if what has historically worked, doesn’t anymore. Sex can only get better with time and communication. You’re learning how to play as a team. It takes practice and some feedback goes a long way.

Change It Up

Try new things together. Introduce sex toys, lubes, or new positions. Spend more time with foreplay, try sending some dirty texts during the workday when you’re planning to see each other that night. Sex is about so much more than going through the motions to achieve an orgasm and what you add in can make the world of a difference.

There’s a stigma that trying new things means you’re not good enough on your own. But there’s nothing wrong with a little backup. If you were told that you could hit more home runs by adjusting your swing, wouldn’t you try? The best players use the best gear, and it’s the same with sex toys and lube. Shop for a new vibrator together, get the best quality lube, and keep an open mind to what could be your new favorite thing.

Don’t Change It Up

No, this isn’t a typo. And yes, we know how contradictory this is, but stick with us for a sec. Picture this — you’re having sex and your partner is doing exactly the right thing. Everything feels incredible and you’re so close to an orgasm. And right at the last minute, they change the rhythm of what they're doing. Sure, it might still feel good, but the orgasm just fell out of reach. Not ideal, right? 

During sex, when your partner tells you that it feels good, they are about to cum, or to keep doing that thing you’re doing, don’t change it up. Don’t go faster, harder, slower, anything. Keep doing exactly what you are doing. You’re hitting the right spot! Ride it out to the end.

Winning Without An Orgasm

Sometimes an orgasm for both partners just isn’t in the cards. It’s not the end of the world and it doesn’t mean the sex wasn’t good. You could have sex that felt incredible, but an orgasm didn’t happen. There are so many factors that can contribute to an orgasm not happening. 

The brain is often referred to as the biggest sex organ because that’s the control center. It’s where arousal, lubrication, pleasure, and everything else is triggered. So it makes sense that if we’ve got other things happening in our brains, our body might not align. Certain medications like antidepressants and SSRIs can lower libido and make it harder to orgasm. Stress or having a bad day can impact if you’re in the mood. In a recent blog article, we spoke with Emily Nagoski, PhD, and she went over the dual-control model. There are things that turn us on and turn us off. These impact how we feel about sex at any given moment, levels of desire, and ultimately orgasms. The house being a mess or having a meeting go poorly at work can actually impact your orgasms. So if an orgasm doesn't happen, don’t take it personally. Instead, have a post-sex debrief to check in. Keep things light! This is a great opportunity to reassure your partner that there’s no pressure to orgasm and your time together was amazing with or without an orgasm. Having an orgasm doesn’t qualify good sex, and the most important thing is that both people had a fun and pleasurable time together.

A lot goes into an orgasm and it really can be a team sport. While it might be nice if there was a simple play that led you and your partner right to an orgasm, it’s pretty cool how much is involved to achieve all that pleasure. So the next time you’re having sex, remember that it’s more than just natural skill. Good sex and orgasms are a combination of practice, some skill, communication, and having the right gear and circumstances. Spend the time to figure out your own formula with your partner, and we promise it will be worth it.