Keeping Your Sex Life Alive After Moving in With a Partner
Moving in with a partner is an exciting step in a relationship. You get to forgo the overnight bags and needing a toothbrush at two houses. Once the novelty of living together wears off, it can be easy to slip into “roommate” mode with your partner. Even if nothing is wrong and living together is amazing, sometimes sex isn’t at the top of the priority list, especially when you see each other all the time. It’s completely normal and it’s not an indicator that your relationship is going down the drain. Just like muscles in the gym, they lose their strength and definition when you don’t work them out. The same goes for sex. But with some attention and work, you can re-strengthen that part of the relationship.
When you first start dating someone, you may want to have sex all the time. It’s new and exciting. There’s no magic amount of sex people should be having in their relationships. It’s all about the desire you both have and what works for you. But after moving in, you’re around each other constantly, and it doesn’t always feel like there’s anything “special” about seeing each other. The key is to get some of that New Relationship Energy (NRE) back. Some people also call this the honeymoon phase. It usually consists of a lot of sexual tension, exploration, and heightened attraction. So, we’re going to give a few tips on getting that NRE back and building sexual tension to keep your sex life alive.
Don’t Have Sex
This might seem counterintuitive, but it’s one of the best tips we can give you. If you’ve been feeling like sex is too much of a routine or chore, take sex completely off the table. There’s nothing worse than feeling like you “should” be having sex. Not only does this remove some pressure, but it creates an attitude of “you want what you can’t have.”
It’s important to remember that this is a co-decision and not a punishment. This is meant to be fun and to help build that tension. Sit down with your partner and decide together on a set amount of time. A good place to start is 1-2 weeks, but you can pick any time frame that works for you. Then pick a different type of physical intimacy – just because sex is off the table doesn’t mean that you can’t still be intimate. Spend this time focusing on reconnecting physically and removing the pressure to have sex. You can take the time frame as seriously or loosely as you’d like. The more you stick to it, the more the tension might grow. But there’s no judgment here if you both decide that the tension is too much.
Start Outside the Bedroom
We’ve referenced this in many articles, but it really is that important. A lot of people have what’s called responsive desire, which is a term coined by our friend Emily Nagoski. This means there needs to be something to get someone in the mood for sex. They aren’t going from 0-100, but instead they get “in the mood” by responding to sexual stimuli.
If you and your partner come home, the workday was stressful, the house is a mess, and you don’t have any groceries for dinner, the last thing that might be on your mind is to have sex right there and then. But let's say you took some time to forget about work, ordered dinner, watched a little TV, and had a little drink, then you might have increased desire and feel more connected. Sex isn’t always about sex itself. Sometimes it’s about all the external and situational factors influencing the sex. Even if you don’t feel like there’s anything impacting your desire levels, check in with your partner. There might be something taking up a lot of mental space that you didn’t know about. The more you can connect outside of the bedroom, the easier it is to connect inside.
Sexting Isn’t Just for College Kids
Sexting encompasses so many different things. It can include sending nudes, leaving handwritten notes for your partner to find, sending a voice memo, or an actual text. The great thing about sexting is that you can do whatever level you’re comfortable with. If you’re nervous about getting technology involved in your sex life, try using paper notes. But be sure to discuss boundaries ahead of time. Whether it’s sending a certain emoji right before you send a voice message, so they know not to listen to it out loud, checking in to make sure it’s a good time to send a pic or agreeing to not send things during specific hours of the day.
Just remember if you send a nude, it can follow you everywhere. This isn’t meant to fear-monger, but rather to encourage safe practices. Try not to include your face or identifying marks on your body. Make agreements to never save photos onto your phone or if you do, keep them password protected. You might even want to go through and delete those pictures in each of your texts every so often.
Making Out is Underrated
Often when we think about sexual tension, we think of the end goal being penetrative sex, but making out can be just as good, if not even better. Making out doesn’t have to be reserved for the bedroom either. If you both work from home, take a quick break during the day for a few minutes. Use it as a reward for finishing a chore, before moving on to the next item on your to-do list. Sneak into the bathroom while you’re at a restaurant with friends. Reigniting the spark isn’t just with the goal of sex, but it’s also about building intimacy.
Touch Each Other
Although touching each other with wandering hands throughout the day can definitely build sexual tension, so can a loving touch. Think about how you interact with your partner when you’re together. Do you frequently touch, hug, have a hand on their leg, feel their hand on your back, or wrap your arms around them from behind? These things can fall to the wayside when we’re around our partner all the time.
If you notice that those things have lessened over time or don’t come as naturally to both of you, try to increase your intentionality around non-sexual touch. These are the little things throughout the day that can help shift you from “roommate” mode back into “partner” mode.
Touch Yourself
Sometimes sexual ruts happen, and that’s incredibly normal. But if you find yourself wanting to have sex and your partner doesn’t, you don’t need to stifle those feelings. Instead, take this as an opportunity for some alone time.
Take some time to focus on what feels good as you masturbate. Think of your partner doing those things to you. Look through some of those older texts or pics that they sent when you were both in the mood at work. Don’t rush through it, focus on different sensations. This is a great way to still get what you need, release that built-up sexual tension, and it might even make your partner want to join in when they hear you from the next room over.
Trying Something New
If sex just sounds boring in general, it might be time to switch things up a bit. Even something as simple as incorporating a new toy or lube can be the change you need to reignite your sex life. If you aren’t feeling any desire to sexually connect in the ways you typically do, find something new to get the engine going.
Sexual tension can feel easy at the beginning of a relationship because everything is new. But after months or years, the newness might wear off. Introducing something new can feel overwhelming, but there are so many options. For inspiration, do a "Yes, No, Maybe" activity together and see what piques your interest. Go shopping together at a sex store, either in person or online. Put a mirror right in front of your bed. For a deeper dive, check out our article on Trying Something New in the Bedroom.
Put Sex on the Calendar
Sending your partner a Google Calendar invite for sex might sound like a mood killer. But it’s one of the most recommended tips from sexuality professionals. Scheduling sex can help you get in the right mindset ahead of time. With sex on the calendar, you know that is time set aside for you and your partner to connect. Treat that time like you would a meeting. Don’t schedule anything over it.
Scheduling sex doesn’t mean that life doesn’t happen though. Someone might not feel well or really just need a night to themselves. Instead of feeling like you have to call it off completely or force yourself to have sex, brainstorm some different ways to physically connect in a way that does sound good. Take a shower together, give each other a massage, or rub their back while watching a movie. This time on the calendar is for your relationship, so it can look however you want it to.
See a Sex Therapist
Seeing a sex therapist doesn’t mean you have a “broken” sex life. There are a thousand reasons why couples or individuals might see a sex therapist. Whether you feel like your sex life is in shambles and you have tried everything or you just want to make it even better than it already is, sex therapists are experts in, well… sex. When deciding on a sex therapist, make sure to connect with ones that fit your lifestyle and values. Don’t be scared to ask them questions about anything that is important to you. Just remember that sex therapy is not always accessible – it can be time consuming and expensive, it can be harder to find, but there are practitioners who work with insurance, offer financial assistance, and conduct sessions virtually.
Ultimately, relationships go through ebbs and flows. If your sex life isn’t the best, it’s ever been right now, don’t panic. Start with a conversation because it’s likely that both of you are feeling similar. Then brainstorm through what might be causing the lack of desire. Work through removing those barriers and try out new ways of reigniting that spark. Before you know it, you'll be needing to set up a condom and lube subscription just to keep up.